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Saturday, 9pm.
I just finished painting the baseboards in our laundry room as part of our laundry room remodel. I go to rinse out the paintbrushes in the kitchen sink. There is no hot water.
I tell my husband the obvious: “We’re not getting hot water.”
My husband starts to tinker with the faucets. He confirms my observation. He starts brainstorming ideas.
It is cold outside. We are expecting a blizzard in the next few days. I am impatient while the husband brainstorms, so I call my step-dad to freak out.
As the conversation becomes technical, my husband and step-dad ultimately take it over and brainstorm together. This does not help my patience.
The men continue to talk, and I notice that our heater has been running for a long time. I say something. They think I am paranoid, but we agree to turn up the temperature and see if our home warms up.
Saturday, 10:30pm.
The temperature has dropped, and the air coming out of the vents is cold: our heat is not working. I’m convinced we are in the midst of an apocalypse. I finish the crochet blanket I had been working on for an eternity so that my family can die warm.
Ted calls the emergency plumber line. They say they’ll get back to us. In the meantime we brainstorm our options and discuss taking refuge at my father-in-law’s home.
Sunday, 1am.
The plumber never returned our call. Ted stayed up the whole time while I napped under the new blanket. Warmth confirmative. We revisit the conversation on taking refuge . We ultimately decide that waking up the toddler is riskier than our home freezing. Instead we carry him into our bed. Warmth in numbers.
Sunday, 3am.
The toddler disapproves of sharing a bed and refuses to sleep. We decide to place him back in his crib with a mountain of blankets. He seems happier.
Sunday, 8am.
The plumber calls back. Convenient. At least he got a good night’s rest. He tells us that the hot water heater also controls our regular heater. I am convinced that whomever designed this heating system did not think this through. We agree to have the plumber come out tomorrow to diagnose the problem.
Sunday, 10am.
I decide baking will help keep the house warm. I choose to make whoopie pies. I have never made whoopie pies. I figure it out.
Sunday, 2pm.
Our friend visits to help us unstack our washer and dryer. I offer him a whoopie pie for strength. Ted and friend unstack the washer, and we go to Chili’s for lunch.
Sunday, 4pm.
We arrive back home. There is a note from our downstairs neighbor on our door saying they need to speak to us.
Sunday, 4:30pm.
Ted comes back up from talking to our neighbors. They apparently have a water mark on their ceiling below our bath tub. The plot thickens.
Sunday, 5pm.
I offer our friend whoopie pies to take home with him. He says he’ll take what I’m willing to give him. I now need to make more whoopie pies.
Monday, 8am.
Ted and I both stink. Wearing extra layers today now functions a dual purpose. We all bundle and Ted decides to work from home.
Monday, 1pm.
The plumber arrives. He diagnoses the problem. Apparently the heat exchanger had been leaking which led to corrosion. We need a new heating system.
Monday, 6pm.
Our stench is offensive. We decide to go to the in-law’s and shower before the blizzard. We all shower together to be quick. The toddler apparently does not like showers.
Tuesday, all day.
Blizzard.
Thursday, 8am.
Today is the day we get our new heater. We are exhausted. We snooze our alarm and stay warm under the covers.
Thursday, 8:01am.
I get a call from the front door. The plumber is here. We jump out of bed to get dressed so the plumber doesn’t have to be traumatized by seeing us naked.
Thursday, 10:00am.
The heater is replaced. We confirm that the hot water and heat are working. The plumber gives us the bill. I decide I should make a career in plumbing.
Thursday, 10:30am.
I ask Ted to watch the toddler while I shower. I appreciate the warm water. I also blow dry my hair for the first time in centuries. I have never felt cleaner. The apocalypse is over. We survived.
Have you ever had a home “emergency” that you look back on and laugh on? Share your stories in the comments below!
Want more bloopers and funny stories? Check out what happened when I let my husband do the laundry.
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